The New Joke Thread

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Fri Mar 06, 2020 12:43 pm

:lol :lol :lol

Janthefish
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Janthefish » Fri Mar 06, 2020 8:29 pm

:lol :lol

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nick
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by nick » Sat Mar 07, 2020 9:20 am

A man sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden. The guy goes into the garden and sees a black labrador just sitting there.

"Can you talk?" he asks. "Yes I can" the dog replies. "So, what's your story?" the man asks.

The dog looks at the man and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking very young and I wanted to help the government, so I told them about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one believed a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for nearly eight years."

"But the jetting around started to tire me out. I wasn't getting any younger and wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded several medals."

"Then I met a nice bitch and we had loads of puppies. Now I'm just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the labrador.

The owner says, "Ten pounds."

The man says: "But the dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a damn boastful liar. He's never been out of the garden!"

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Fri Mar 13, 2020 3:43 pm

Politically Correct Nelson at Trafalgar

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ........... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."

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billybetred
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by billybetred » Mon Mar 16, 2020 7:47 pm

Found something to bet on.


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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Thu Mar 26, 2020 5:58 pm

Following a summit meeting about the coronavirus held in Iceland, a small plane with four world leaders and one other passenger on board is crashing to the ground. The crew will try to save the aircraft but advise the passengers to jump. The passengers are Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, the Pope and a ten-year-old schoolboy. However, there are only four parachutes and they begin to argue their respective cases for the right to a parachute.

Trump shouts above the rest, "I must have one one. I'm the smartest man in the USA and only I can save America and the world from coronavirus and..” But he breaks off his speech, quickly grabs one and jumps.

Boris Johnson exclaims, "I'm needed to sort out Britain." He takes one and follows Trump out of the aircraft.

The Pope says quietly, "The world requires spiritual guidance at this time." He puts one on and calmly steps through the door.

Angela Merkel speaks to the ten-year-old, " You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting."

The ten-year-old replies, "Don't worry, there are still two parachutes left. The smartest man in the USA grabbed my schoolbag."

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The Fenman
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by The Fenman » Sat Mar 28, 2020 3:13 pm

;x; ;x; ;x;
Keep doing right things, right things happen. . . Simple innit

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Wed Apr 01, 2020 7:15 pm

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living. "I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder. "Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second.

They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.

Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.

"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.

The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"

The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.



"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.

"Well, you're a wanker then!"

kenbo
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by kenbo » Wed Apr 01, 2020 7:57 pm

:lol :lol

Janthefish
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Janthefish » Thu Apr 02, 2020 9:12 am

:lol

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Sun Apr 05, 2020 10:29 am

:clap :clap

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billybetred
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by billybetred » Thu Apr 09, 2020 12:26 pm

Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near. 
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast . 
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. 

When all is ready he begins to speak: 
"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra." 
"My daughter Geraldine , you take the apartments over in Malone Road." 
"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre." 
"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ." 

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property".. 

Property?”, his wife replies. “The *** had a window cleaning round."

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harry_rag
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by harry_rag » Thu Apr 09, 2020 1:50 pm

billybetred wrote:
Thu Apr 09, 2020 12:26 pm
Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near. 
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast . 
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes...
Remind me, Billy, what's the title of this thread? ;-)

viewtopic.php?f=4&t=80&p=217653#p216498

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Thu Apr 09, 2020 2:09 pm

:lol

Some jokes are worth repeating. :)

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billybetred
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by billybetred » Thu Apr 09, 2020 3:15 pm

Oh blimey.. someone sent it to me today .. I should have checked .. I'm as bad as the blokes in the joke *,

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harry_rag
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by harry_rag » Thu Apr 09, 2020 3:51 pm

:lol I've just been reading about the guy who managed to successfully cross a boomerang with an alligator. He always regretted it because he knew it would come back to bite him in the end! *,

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Tue Apr 14, 2020 10:46 am

A man went into a Bristol supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The very young greens-produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.
Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some ************************ out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"
"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff."
"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Mon May 04, 2020 3:55 pm

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay? As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch, I guess!"

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Mon May 04, 2020 4:51 pm

;x;

alancraik
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by alancraik » Wed Nov 18, 2020 11:19 am

anybody got any jokes?

I enjoy this line but hopeless at rememebering the punchline so pointless me posting.

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Wed Nov 25, 2020 10:14 am

A wise person once said:

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Theakstons, Fosters, Badgers, Courage & Harp Lager. .... Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND

4. I haven't verified this on Google but it sounds legit. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Wed Nov 25, 2020 10:18 am

:) :lol

alancraik
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by alancraik » Wed Nov 25, 2020 1:55 pm

nice one :thumbs

keep them coming

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