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Re: The New Joke Thread

Posted: Thu Apr 09, 2020 12:26 pm
by billybetred
Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near. 
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast . 
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. 

When all is ready he begins to speak: 
"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra." 
"My daughter Geraldine , you take the apartments over in Malone Road." 
"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre." 
"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ." 

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property".. 

Property?”, his wife replies. “The *** had a window cleaning round."

Re: The New Joke Thread

Posted: Thu Apr 09, 2020 1:50 pm
by harry_rag
billybetred wrote:
Thu Apr 09, 2020 12:26 pm
Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near. 
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast . 
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes...
Remind me, Billy, what's the title of this thread? ;-)

viewtopic.php?f=4&t=80&p=217653#p216498

Re: The New Joke Thread

Posted: Thu Apr 09, 2020 2:09 pm
by Col
:lol

Some jokes are worth repeating. :)

Re: The New Joke Thread

Posted: Thu Apr 09, 2020 3:15 pm
by billybetred
Oh blimey.. someone sent it to me today .. I should have checked .. I'm as bad as the blokes in the joke *,

Re: The New Joke Thread

Posted: Thu Apr 09, 2020 3:51 pm
by harry_rag
:lol I've just been reading about the guy who managed to successfully cross a boomerang with an alligator. He always regretted it because he knew it would come back to bite him in the end! *,

Re: The New Joke Thread

Posted: Tue Apr 14, 2020 10:46 am
by bollybear
A man went into a Bristol supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The very young greens-produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.
Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some ************************ out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"
"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff."
"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"

Re: The New Joke Thread

Posted: Mon May 04, 2020 3:55 pm
by bollybear
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay? As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch, I guess!"

Re: The New Joke Thread

Posted: Mon May 04, 2020 4:51 pm
by Col
;x;

Re: The New Joke Thread

Posted: Wed Nov 18, 2020 11:19 am
by alancraik
anybody got any jokes?

I enjoy this line but hopeless at rememebering the punchline so pointless me posting.

Re: The New Joke Thread

Posted: Wed Nov 25, 2020 10:14 am
by bollybear
A wise person once said:

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Theakstons, Fosters, Badgers, Courage & Harp Lager. .... Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND

4. I haven't verified this on Google but it sounds legit. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Re: The New Joke Thread

Posted: Wed Nov 25, 2020 10:18 am
by Col
:) :lol

Re: The New Joke Thread

Posted: Wed Nov 25, 2020 1:55 pm
by alancraik
nice one :thumbs

keep them coming