The New Joke Thread

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Sun Sep 15, 2019 2:25 pm

*, :)

jimb
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by jimb » Thu Oct 03, 2019 8:16 pm

As I get older and I remember all the people Ive lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasnt for me.
Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Thu Oct 03, 2019 9:07 pm

:lol

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Fri Nov 01, 2019 10:22 am

Caeser announces to his fellow Romans.
"Tomorrow, I will gather my legions and invade France. I will kill any Frenchman that gets in my way"
Brutus says to a centurion " he talks a good war, but you watch, he won't do it"
The following day Caeser rounds up his armies and sets off for France. Six months later, he's back.
"My beloved Romans I am pleased to announce that we have conquered France and in the process we have slain 50,000 Gauls."
" I can't believe it" says Brutus to the centurion. " I'm going to have to go and see for myself"
Brutus hops onto a galley and sets sail for France. Two weeks later, he's back Just as Caeser is starting another of his speeches.
"My fellow countrymen..." Begins Caeser.
"You lying git" shouts Brutus
"I beg your pardon?" Says Caeser
" You said had conquered France and slain 50,000 Gauls, but in actual fact, you have only slain 25,000". Exclaimed Brutus.
"Ah, but you forget..." Says Caeser " In Europe, away Gauls count double !"

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Fri Nov 01, 2019 10:49 am

*, :) :)

jimb
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by jimb » Wed Nov 06, 2019 9:31 pm

An AA Van passed me earlier and I noticed the driver was sobbing uncontrollably.

I thought ' looks like he's heading for a breakdown'.
Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.

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harry_rag
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by harry_rag » Thu Nov 07, 2019 5:34 pm

How's this for a redefinition of the word "irony" - an email from 365 headed "let's talk about safer gambling"! 8(:

I appreciate they'll be sending it to all customers but really; even if they looked at my average stakes without regard to the extent to which they limit me it would be clear I'm not exactly on tilt! :)

Not hilarious, I accept, but decided it belonged in the joke thread more than the bookmakers one.

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peanut
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by peanut » Thu Nov 07, 2019 5:51 pm

:lol agreed Harry

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Thu Nov 07, 2019 6:26 pm

I know harry :thumbs
The more I read it, the more annoyed I got.

I even looked for the unsubscribe button, there wasn't one.

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nick
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by nick » Fri Nov 08, 2019 10:28 am

Just had the same pop up with Hills, Harry. Then they proceeded to offer me £1.50 on a winning distances at Hexham market *, .

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Fri Nov 08, 2019 6:04 pm

The Pope has just finished a visit to Manchester and has an hour and half to get to London to get his flight home.He tells his chauffeur to put his foot down as he can't miss his flight.The driver says he can't go over the speed limit as he has nine point already on his licence,so the Pope says,swap places and I'll drive,and if the police stop the car they will see it's me driving and let us off.So they swap places and the Pope is going at 140 miles an hour down the motorway and after twenty miles a police bike pulls him over.The Pope says to the policeman,you can see who I am so can you ring your superiors and ask if we can be let off the speeding charge.The officer rings his sarge and says he has stopped someone very important for speeding,could he let him off.The sarge asks ,well how important is this person?Is he more important than the chief of police of London?Yes,replies the officer.Well is he more important than the Mayor of London?Yes,replies the officer.What about the prime minister?Yes I believe so says the officer.What about the queen?asks the sarge.I think so,says the officer.Just how important is this person?asks the sarge.Well put it this way,he's that important,he has the Pope as his chauffeur

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Fri Nov 08, 2019 6:07 pm

:lol :lol :lol

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Mon Nov 11, 2019 10:01 pm

fter 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came to see a therapist. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Mon Feb 03, 2020 7:50 pm

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in
Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they
could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good
value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair
accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Mon Feb 03, 2020 8:47 pm

:lol :lol :lol

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Fri Feb 21, 2020 9:25 am

Following the Government's ruling to deny unskilled foreigner's a work permit, West Ham have announced that they have just 2 players available for their trip to Liverpool on Monday evening.....

Edited to say that I am hardly in a position to sneer ! However, at least our unskilled workers are British !

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Wed Feb 26, 2020 3:01 pm

Paddy is on who wants to be a millionaire,he has all his lifelines left.The question for a million pounds is,who was the great train robber who fled to Brazil,a.Ronnie Wood b.Ron Greenwood c.Ronnie Biggs or d.Ronnie Scott.Ill take the money Chris,he says.But at least use all your lifelines Paddy,its for a million pounds says Chris.I don't need to use them as I know the answer Chris,he says,but I'm not a fecking grass

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Fri Mar 06, 2020 11:42 am

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast . He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak: "My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra." "My daughter Gráinne, you take the apartments over in Malone Road." "My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre." "Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They’d no idea the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..
"Property?”, his wife replies. “The fuckin eejit had a window cleaning round."

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Fri Mar 06, 2020 12:43 pm

:lol :lol :lol

Janthefish
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Janthefish » Fri Mar 06, 2020 8:29 pm

:lol :lol

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nick
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by nick » Sat Mar 07, 2020 9:20 am

A man sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden. The guy goes into the garden and sees a black labrador just sitting there.

"Can you talk?" he asks. "Yes I can" the dog replies. "So, what's your story?" the man asks.

The dog looks at the man and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking very young and I wanted to help the government, so I told them about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one believed a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for nearly eight years."

"But the jetting around started to tire me out. I wasn't getting any younger and wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded several medals."

"Then I met a nice bitch and we had loads of puppies. Now I'm just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the labrador.

The owner says, "Ten pounds."

The man says: "But the dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a damn boastful liar. He's never been out of the garden!"

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Fri Mar 13, 2020 3:43 pm

Politically Correct Nelson at Trafalgar

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ........... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."

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billybetred
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by billybetred » Mon Mar 16, 2020 7:47 pm

Found something to bet on.


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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Thu Mar 26, 2020 5:58 pm

Following a summit meeting about the coronavirus held in Iceland, a small plane with four world leaders and one other passenger on board is crashing to the ground. The crew will try to save the aircraft but advise the passengers to jump. The passengers are Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, the Pope and a ten-year-old schoolboy. However, there are only four parachutes and they begin to argue their respective cases for the right to a parachute.

Trump shouts above the rest, "I must have one one. I'm the smartest man in the USA and only I can save America and the world from coronavirus and..” But he breaks off his speech, quickly grabs one and jumps.

Boris Johnson exclaims, "I'm needed to sort out Britain." He takes one and follows Trump out of the aircraft.

The Pope says quietly, "The world requires spiritual guidance at this time." He puts one on and calmly steps through the door.

Angela Merkel speaks to the ten-year-old, " You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting."

The ten-year-old replies, "Don't worry, there are still two parachutes left. The smartest man in the USA grabbed my schoolbag."

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