The New Joke Thread

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Fri May 11, 2018 9:57 pm

Crackers hoof :lol

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Mon Jun 11, 2018 12:32 pm

I’ve been to see the Doctor today because I can’t stop taking pictures of myself close to a boiling kettle or near pans of steaming vegetables

He’s referred me to a specialist - He believes I’ve got “selfie steam issues”.

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Mon Jun 11, 2018 12:33 pm

A bit embarrassing yesterday...

I took the family out for Sunday lunch

On the menu it said 'please advise the waitress if you or any of the party suffer from any allergies'

It turns out that the waitress didn't want to know that my penis goes bright red and itches like mad if I use a condom and she was more concerned about nut and wheat intolerance rather than my latex issues :>

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Janthefish » Tue Jun 12, 2018 3:13 pm

;x; ;x;

jimb
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by jimb » Mon Aug 20, 2018 4:46 pm

I got a job drilling for water- it was well boring
Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.

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FlyingBenny
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by FlyingBenny » Sun Sep 09, 2018 10:41 pm

I bought my wife a Pug dog as a present.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.
“Compound interest is the eighth wonder of the world. He who understands it, earns it ... he who doesn't ... pays it.” Albert Einstein. Each way trebles it is then!

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Mon Sep 10, 2018 7:34 am

:lol

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Twisler
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Twisler » Wed Sep 12, 2018 6:38 pm

My wife and I decided to take an organised coach trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like.

It didn't start well when the coach we where travelling on broke down a few miles east of the capital.

We were stranded in a third world dump with streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us; the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress as all other women had head to toe burqas.

We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.

Just then, Dave the organiser, suddenly remembered that Bethnal Green had a tube station, so we were able to get safely to King’s Cross and on to Heathrow for the rest of our journey.

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peanut
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by peanut » Wed Sep 12, 2018 7:30 pm

:lol

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Thu Nov 22, 2018 5:33 pm

A lorry laden with thousands of Thesauruses shed its load on the motorway yesterday.

Witnesses were said to be stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, confused, shocked, dazed, bewildered, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, confounded, amazed, perplexed and speechless.

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harry_rag
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by harry_rag » Thu Nov 22, 2018 5:49 pm

I lost my thesaurus recently. I couldn't find the words to describe how it made me feel!

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Mon Dec 03, 2018 3:59 pm

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Mon Dec 03, 2018 4:03 pm

Another blow for the High Street

HMV are closing their high street classical music stores... apparently too many people get their Chopin online.

Janthefish
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Janthefish » Tue Dec 04, 2018 9:49 pm

Hey Hoof my Missus says that muslim joke is sick.....but funny

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Mon Dec 17, 2018 2:42 pm

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the £5000. She gives him back his £5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Mon Dec 17, 2018 3:32 pm

:lol :lol

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Tue Dec 25, 2018 11:38 am

BREAKING NEWS:

Irish animal rights protesters broke into a Turkey farm outside Dublin last night, they escaped with 5,000 Turkeys.

A spokesman for the gang said, "We will be releasing the birds back into the wild, just as soon as they have been defrosted."

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dule_rsfc
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by dule_rsfc » Sun Jan 06, 2019 1:44 pm

(Stolen from Facebook)

"Hi honey, this is Daddy... Is your Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's up stairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

Brief pause. Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."

"Uh, OK then...." Daddy says, "...here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well Mommy got all scared, jumped out of the bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug and fell downstairs and she's not moving anymore."

"I'm sorry you had to see that, honey. What about 'Uncle Frank'?"

"He jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water for winter, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either."

Long pause.

Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Is this 597-7039?".....

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Sun Jan 06, 2019 2:54 pm

:lol

jimb
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by jimb » Fri Feb 01, 2019 12:42 pm

I got mugged by six dwarves last night.

Not happy
Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Sun Apr 07, 2019 4:28 pm

Just come back in from the Red Lion - almost Shit myself

I was stood at the bar and this Pakistani guy shouts out Allah Allah, Allah , Allah ....
Allah have a bag of cheese n Onion Crips

Trust me to find a stuttering Pakistani *,

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Sun Apr 07, 2019 4:30 pm

I gave a piece of my mind to a conjoined twin earlier, but he didn’t listen.

It went in one ear and out his brother.

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Mon May 20, 2019 6:59 pm

Have you noticed how lots of F1 drivers are named after Scottish towns,Stirling Moss,Lewis Hamilton,Eddie Irvine and Ayr Town Centre

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Mon May 20, 2019 7:04 pm

;x; ;x;

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Tue Jun 11, 2019 8:40 pm

A Biker was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby homeless man who asked him for money to eat.

The man took out his wallet, took a 20 pound note out and asked, " If I give you that money, will you buy beer with it instead of eating?"

" No, I had to stop drinking years ago," replied the homeless man.

"Will you spend this money for motorbike parts instead of eating?" asked the man.

"Are you crazy!" asked the homeless man " I haven't had a motorbike for years!"

"Well" says the biker, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'll take you home for a shower and a great meal prepared by my wife."

The homeless man was stunned. "Your wife is going to be pissed off at you if you bring me home" The Biker Answers.......

"It's okay. The important thing is that she sees what a man looks like after he stops drinking and riding his bike."

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Thu Jun 27, 2019 3:53 pm

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark ".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the guv'... "

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether............
.
.


"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Thu Jun 27, 2019 6:46 pm

*,

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