The New Joke Thread

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Sun Feb 25, 2018 7:29 pm

:lol

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Sun Feb 25, 2018 7:46 pm

A man was in a long line at his local Tecso store. As he got to the checkout, he realised he had forgotten to get condoms; so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?"
The customer replied that he didn't know
She asked him to drop his pants.

He did....
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Checkout 5."


The next man in line thought this was interesting and like most of us fellas, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the checkout, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms and asked if she could have some brought to the checkout for him.

She asked him what size and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Checkout 5."


A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a female; so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the checkout, he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a long, gentle squeeze then picked up the intercom and said......






"Mop and bucket to checkout 5."

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Sun Feb 25, 2018 7:58 pm

;x; ;x;

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Fri Mar 02, 2018 10:32 pm

Koreans have recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack.

It's called Not Poodle.

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Sun Mar 04, 2018 10:27 pm

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"
The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.
That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"

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The Fenman
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by The Fenman » Tue Mar 06, 2018 6:19 pm

*, *,
Keep doing right things, right things happen. . . Simple innit

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Thu Mar 08, 2018 6:10 pm

Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.

In a statement she said "the super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis"

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Tue May 08, 2018 2:06 pm

A husband went to the police station to report that his wife was missing...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. About five-feet four.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat
.
Sergeant: Colour of eyes?

Husband: Never really noticed, brown or green.

Sergeant: Colour of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Usually a skirt or slacks and a blouse or polo top. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She took my sports coupe.

Sergeant: What kind of sports coupe was it?

Husband: Mercedes-Benz CL65 AMG 7G-Tronic finished In Magnetite Black Metallic with Black Soft-Leather Electrically Adjustable and Heated AMG Front Sport Seats with Memory; Brushed Aluminium trim with Piano Black Cappings; Unmarked 19" AMG Multispoke Alloy Wheels; Tyre Pressure Monitoring; Panoramic Glass Electric Tilt/Slide Sunroof; COMAND Online with HDD Wide Screen Satellite Navigation; Bluetooth Telephone Connectivity; Multi-Media Interface for MP3, Ipod etc; Superb Sound System With DAB and Harman-Kardon Sound Upgrade; Leather Trimmed AMG Multi-Function SteeringWheel with Paddle Shift; Parktronic Front and Rear Parking Sensors; Parking Assist; Attention Assist; Speed Limit Assist; Electrically adjustable, heated door Mirrors with Powerfold; Electrically Adjustable Steering Column; Bi-Xenon Headlights with Powerwash and Auto Activation; LED Daytime Running Lights; Cruise Control; Rear Privacy Glass; AMG Carpet Overmats...

At this point the husband starts choking up.....

Sergeant: Don’t worry, mate. We’ll find your car...

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Tue May 08, 2018 2:15 pm

I went to the doctors today with my hearing problems.

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Tue May 08, 2018 2:19 pm

I went to the card shop yesterday and said, "Do you sell bereavement cards?"

"Yes we do." replied the assistant.

"Good," I said, "could I exchange this 'Get Well Soon' card for one?"

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Tue May 08, 2018 2:22 pm

A posh lady board member is being shown around her new hospital by the Matron.In the first room in the ward, she sees a patient furiously w*nking in bed.

"Good Grief!" She exclaims, "That"s disgusting! Why is that man w**king in bed?"

"Well," the matron explains, "that man has a rare disease which causes him to make too much semen. If he doesn"t relieve himself five times a day, his testicles will explode!"

"Oh I see. That poor man," says the lady.

Moving on to the second room, they look in to see a patient being given a blow job by a nurse.

Shocked, the lady says "This is terrible, what"s your explanation for this?"

"He"s got the same condition as the first man," replies the matron, "but he"s with BUPA."

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Janthefish » Tue May 08, 2018 5:43 pm

;x; ;x;

kenbo
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by kenbo » Thu May 10, 2018 6:33 pm

Some good 'uns there, Hoof. :thumbs :lol

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Fri May 11, 2018 9:57 pm

Crackers hoof :lol

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Mon Jun 11, 2018 12:32 pm

I’ve been to see the Doctor today because I can’t stop taking pictures of myself close to a boiling kettle or near pans of steaming vegetables

He’s referred me to a specialist - He believes I’ve got “selfie steam issues”.

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Mon Jun 11, 2018 12:33 pm

A bit embarrassing yesterday...

I took the family out for Sunday lunch

On the menu it said 'please advise the waitress if you or any of the party suffer from any allergies'

It turns out that the waitress didn't want to know that my penis goes bright red and itches like mad if I use a condom and she was more concerned about nut and wheat intolerance rather than my latex issues :>

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Janthefish » Tue Jun 12, 2018 3:13 pm

;x; ;x;

jimb
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by jimb » Mon Aug 20, 2018 4:46 pm

I got a job drilling for water- it was well boring
Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.

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FlyingBenny
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by FlyingBenny » Sun Sep 09, 2018 10:41 pm

I bought my wife a Pug dog as a present.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.
“Compound interest is the eighth wonder of the world. He who understands it, earns it ... he who doesn't ... pays it.” Albert Einstein. Each way trebles it is then!

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Mon Sep 10, 2018 7:34 am

:lol

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Twisler
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Twisler » Wed Sep 12, 2018 6:38 pm

My wife and I decided to take an organised coach trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like.

It didn't start well when the coach we where travelling on broke down a few miles east of the capital.

We were stranded in a third world dump with streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us; the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress as all other women had head to toe burqas.

We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.

Just then, Dave the organiser, suddenly remembered that Bethnal Green had a tube station, so we were able to get safely to King’s Cross and on to Heathrow for the rest of our journey.

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peanut
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by peanut » Wed Sep 12, 2018 7:30 pm

:lol

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Thu Nov 22, 2018 5:33 pm

A lorry laden with thousands of Thesauruses shed its load on the motorway yesterday.

Witnesses were said to be stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, confused, shocked, dazed, bewildered, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, confounded, amazed, perplexed and speechless.

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harry_rag
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by harry_rag » Thu Nov 22, 2018 5:49 pm

I lost my thesaurus recently. I couldn't find the words to describe how it made me feel!

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Mon Dec 03, 2018 3:59 pm

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Mon Dec 03, 2018 4:03 pm

Another blow for the High Street

HMV are closing their high street classical music stores... apparently too many people get their Chopin online.

Janthefish
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Janthefish » Tue Dec 04, 2018 9:49 pm

Hey Hoof my Missus says that muslim joke is sick.....but funny

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Mon Dec 17, 2018 2:42 pm

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the £5000. She gives him back his £5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Mon Dec 17, 2018 3:32 pm

:lol :lol

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Tue Dec 25, 2018 11:38 am

BREAKING NEWS:

Irish animal rights protesters broke into a Turkey farm outside Dublin last night, they escaped with 5,000 Turkeys.

A spokesman for the gang said, "We will be releasing the birds back into the wild, just as soon as they have been defrosted."

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