The New Joke Thread

Talk about anything and everything
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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Fri Oct 13, 2017 6:23 pm

An alcoholic walks into a hardware shop and asks to buy a bottle of meths. The shopkeeper says "I'm not selling you that, I've seen you sitting down the park and I know you're an alkie. You'll just drink it."
The bloke says "no, I've just started my own decorating business and I need it for my work. People won't let me forget I used to be a drunk. I've turned my life around, but I'll always be seen as that drunkard, no matter how hard I work"
The shopkeeper says "I'm so sorry. Alright, heres your bottle of meths."
The bloke says "you haven't got a cold one, have you?"..

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Fri Oct 13, 2017 6:26 pm

:lol :lol

kenbo
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by kenbo » Fri Oct 13, 2017 8:00 pm

;x; ;x;

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The Linnet
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by The Linnet » Fri Oct 13, 2017 8:19 pm

:lol
Money Is A Hoax , Debt Is Slavery , Media Is Manipulation , Religion Is Control

The System Is A Lie

Janthefish
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Janthefish » Sat Oct 14, 2017 7:24 am

:lol

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Mon Oct 30, 2017 10:03 am

Four friends meet up after not seeing each other for ten years.

The Englishman says I've got a son who we called George because he was born on the 23rd April.

The Scotsman says my lad was born on the 30th November so we called him Andrew.

The Welshman says I called my son David cos he was born on 1st March.

Then the Irishman stands up and says we did the same with our son Pancake

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Mon Oct 30, 2017 2:44 pm

I was in the car the last night having some fun with the wife re-kindling old memories.

Things were starting to get hot, when she whisperd in my ear,F**k me in the sh**h**e.


I said if you think I'm driving to Rotherham at this time of night you can think again. I took her straight home.

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Mon Oct 30, 2017 2:47 pm

Dear Deidre.

I've been married for 30 years and I am starting to have erection difficulties.

My wife and I have different ideas about how to treat the problem.She bought me some viagra and I've bought the fat bitch a treadmill.

kenbo
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by kenbo » Mon Oct 30, 2017 3:01 pm

Hoof. :lol

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Tue Oct 31, 2017 4:24 pm

My wife says that I never do anything to “take her breath away any more”.

So I’ve just hid her inhaler in the bread-bin.

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Wed Nov 01, 2017 7:45 pm

I Can’t be bothered going to that composer themed fancy dress party tonight.

Might just say I’m Bizet.

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Wed Nov 01, 2017 8:41 pm

The doctor asked me this morning if I had much trouble with diarrhoea.

I said “Yes. I can never remember if it’s one or two R’s and I always forget the H”.

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Wed Nov 01, 2017 9:16 pm

The other half is watching coronation street so I've just nipped in the other room and turned on Babe Station on the spare television.

There's a gorgeous blonde bird on, she looks Scandinavian.

She's Dressed up in a French Maids outfit, her massive tits struggling to stay in her extremely low cut top.

She starts hoovering the room, and suggestively places her hand on the handle rubbing her hand up and down it as though she's giving it a hand job, then tongue hanging out she licks the top of the handle.

She continues to hoover the room then bends over, her flimsy skirt can't hide the tops of her stockings as the camera zooms in to reveal she isn't wearing any panties .......

I leave my armchair to get closer to the television and I'm convinced ........................I'm sure before we bought our current Dyson we had a hoover exactly like that .

I must be getting old :(

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Thu Nov 02, 2017 7:28 pm

I bought my wife a Pug dog as a present.

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Fri Nov 03, 2017 6:34 am

Took the Mrs to a Mary Poppins themed restaurant in Sheffield last night.

A bit of a mixed report on the meal:

Supercaulicheesefantasticthelobsterwasatrocious

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Fri Nov 03, 2017 11:06 am

:lol

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Fri Nov 03, 2017 1:34 pm

'VANISH’ the number one stain remover.

I hope there’s a number two remover, as the skids on my boxers are really bad.

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Twisler
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Twisler » Mon Nov 06, 2017 7:04 pm

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Fri Nov 10, 2017 8:27 am

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency where social workers raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produces photos of their 30-foot motor home,which is clean, well maintained, and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers raise concerns about the education the child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects, along with French, Mandarin, and computing skills," they’re told.
Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"The child will be surrounded by family, but we’ve also retained a nanny who’s a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask, "What age child are you ideally hoping to adopt?"
"Doesn't really matter, as long as he fits into the cannon..."

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Fri Nov 10, 2017 8:31 am

Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.

The IRB Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:
1.. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.
2. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Ya ****? before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.
3.. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
4.. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the match stewards.
5.. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.
6.. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'.
7.. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.
8.. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.
9.. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.
10.. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).
11.. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the delight of the WELSH) and burn the officials.
12.. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush."
13.. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following representations from the RSPCA.

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Fri Nov 10, 2017 10:26 am

"Doesn't really matter, as long as he fits into the cannon..."
;x; ;x;

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Sun Nov 12, 2017 1:21 pm

A warning to all.

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many sambuca and then went on to stella. Not a good idea!

Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed a police checkpoint where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests.
Because I was in a bus they just waved it past.

I arrived home safely and no accident, which was a real surprise because I've never driven a bus before and I'm not even sure where I got it from!!!!!

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Wed Nov 22, 2017 8:57 pm

A circus owner runs an ad for 'lion tamer wanted' and two people showed up.


One is a retired golfer in his late-sixties and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous
brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip, and the gun and steps right into the cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes. He then lays down and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor! He says, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!" He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The old golfer replies, "Possibly ... but you've got to get that lion out of there first.

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Thu Dec 07, 2017 9:35 pm

That seminar I was going to: “How to avoid frauds” was canceled.
Turns out tickets are non-refundable.
:(

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Tue Dec 26, 2017 8:52 pm

My local bakery business is in such dire straits, that they’re offering fries with every purchase.

I gave them money for muffin, but my chips were free.

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Tue Dec 26, 2017 9:14 pm

*, :)

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Wed Jan 24, 2018 4:32 pm

Husband and wife were discussing their sex life.
I'd like to try the wheelbarrow position tonight, said the man.

What the hell is that said his missus?

You bend over, with your hands on the floor, I pick you up and shag you
from behind, he said.

I'll do it on two conditions she said

First, If it hurts, you stop straight away, and secondly
We don't go past my mothers house.

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Sun Feb 04, 2018 7:23 pm

I went to see my mate in hospital earlier.

There were people in there going on about timorous wee beasties and about man’s inhumanity to man.

He was in the severe Burns’ unit.

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Fri Feb 09, 2018 8:09 am

Several men are in the locker room at the golf club.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Darling, it's me. Are you at the club ?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at Bluewater and I've found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £500.

Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership on the way here and saw the new 2019 Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much ?'

WOMAN: '£95,000

MAN: 'OK, but for that price please make sure you haggle for all the optional extras.'

WOMAN: 'Great ! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £750,000.

MAN: 'Well, if you still like it that much, why not make an offer of £700K. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if you think it's really worth it.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later ! I love you so much !'

MAN: 'Bye ! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up.

The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Sun Feb 25, 2018 7:26 pm

Favourite Film predictor

This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be "Raiders of the Lost Ark".

I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the math test

Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. This amazing maths quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most.

Don't ask me how, but it really works!

Movie Test:

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.












Movie List:


1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Sheep
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Sun Feb 25, 2018 7:29 pm

:lol

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Sun Feb 25, 2018 7:46 pm

A man was in a long line at his local Tecso store. As he got to the checkout, he realised he had forgotten to get condoms; so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?"
The customer replied that he didn't know
She asked him to drop his pants.

He did....
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Checkout 5."


The next man in line thought this was interesting and like most of us fellas, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the checkout, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms and asked if she could have some brought to the checkout for him.

She asked him what size and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Checkout 5."


A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a female; so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the checkout, he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a long, gentle squeeze then picked up the intercom and said......






"Mop and bucket to checkout 5."

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Sun Feb 25, 2018 7:58 pm

;x; ;x;

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Fri Mar 02, 2018 10:32 pm

Koreans have recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack.

It's called Not Poodle.

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Sun Mar 04, 2018 10:27 pm

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"
The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.
That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"

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The Fenman
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by The Fenman » Tue Mar 06, 2018 6:19 pm

*, *,
Keep doing right things, right things happen. . . Simple innit

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Thu Mar 08, 2018 6:10 pm

Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.

In a statement she said "the super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis"

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Tue May 08, 2018 2:06 pm

A husband went to the police station to report that his wife was missing...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. About five-feet four.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat
.
Sergeant: Colour of eyes?

Husband: Never really noticed, brown or green.

Sergeant: Colour of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Usually a skirt or slacks and a blouse or polo top. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She took my sports coupe.

Sergeant: What kind of sports coupe was it?

Husband: Mercedes-Benz CL65 AMG 7G-Tronic finished In Magnetite Black Metallic with Black Soft-Leather Electrically Adjustable and Heated AMG Front Sport Seats with Memory; Brushed Aluminium trim with Piano Black Cappings; Unmarked 19" AMG Multispoke Alloy Wheels; Tyre Pressure Monitoring; Panoramic Glass Electric Tilt/Slide Sunroof; COMAND Online with HDD Wide Screen Satellite Navigation; Bluetooth Telephone Connectivity; Multi-Media Interface for MP3, Ipod etc; Superb Sound System With DAB and Harman-Kardon Sound Upgrade; Leather Trimmed AMG Multi-Function SteeringWheel with Paddle Shift; Parktronic Front and Rear Parking Sensors; Parking Assist; Attention Assist; Speed Limit Assist; Electrically adjustable, heated door Mirrors with Powerfold; Electrically Adjustable Steering Column; Bi-Xenon Headlights with Powerwash and Auto Activation; LED Daytime Running Lights; Cruise Control; Rear Privacy Glass; AMG Carpet Overmats...

At this point the husband starts choking up.....

Sergeant: Don’t worry, mate. We’ll find your car...

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Tue May 08, 2018 2:15 pm

I went to the doctors today with my hearing problems.

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Tue May 08, 2018 2:19 pm

I went to the card shop yesterday and said, "Do you sell bereavement cards?"

"Yes we do." replied the assistant.

"Good," I said, "could I exchange this 'Get Well Soon' card for one?"

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