The New Joke Thread

Talk about anything and everything
kenbo
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by kenbo » Tue Apr 18, 2017 6:29 pm

On my missus's life. She said Ironside yesterday instead of hindsight. :(

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harry_rag
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by harry_rag » Tue Apr 18, 2017 6:31 pm

All the best jokes have a resonance in truth! {8

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Tue Apr 18, 2017 7:14 pm

Just used a public phone box for the first time in years. I had no choice, it was either that or piss myself. :>

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Fri Jun 02, 2017 11:31 am

A man gets in a taxi just going by.
The cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
"Who?"
"Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time."

"He can't have been so lucky everytime."

Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have been a pro tennis player. He could play golf with the best. He sang like an opera tenor and danced like a ballet star and you should have heard him play the piano."

"Sounds like he was something else?"

Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighbourhood blacks out."

"Wow, some man, ehh?

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them."

" Mmm, not many like that around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

"An amazing bloke. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
"Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his "uckin" widow."
-----

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Fri Jun 02, 2017 11:53 am

:lol

kenbo
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by kenbo » Fri Jun 02, 2017 12:06 pm

Brilliant. ;x; ;x;

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peanut
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by peanut » Fri Jun 02, 2017 12:10 pm

Did you know him as well Kenbo ;-)

kenbo
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by kenbo » Fri Jun 02, 2017 12:21 pm

I never met him, and I didn't stay with her for long!

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peanut
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by peanut » Fri Jun 02, 2017 2:18 pm

:lol

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Thu Jul 13, 2017 6:28 pm

I’m at the services on the M6.

I just saw a sign that made me shit myself.

It said ‘Toilet Out Of Order"

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Thu Jul 13, 2017 6:29 pm

I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible.

I think she might have given me a cold or something.

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Thu Jul 13, 2017 6:51 pm

:lol

Janthefish
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Janthefish » Thu Jul 13, 2017 7:27 pm

;x;

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Sat Jul 15, 2017 11:45 am

I’m selling all my dogging equipment on eBay.
No bids yet but 20 people are watching.

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Sat Jul 15, 2017 11:47 am

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Sat Jul 15, 2017 11:50 am

Some dirty cow has been fraudulently selling soiled panties on eBay.

A police enquiry revealed that she had in fact just been wiping them on her dog’s arse.

Two questions:

What type of f***ing pervert buys this sort of stuff?

How do you get a Paypal refund?

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Sat Jul 15, 2017 12:56 pm

The wife went to the waxing salon yesterday and got them to just leave a little strip in the middle.

Now she looks even more like Hitler.

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Fri Jul 21, 2017 3:21 pm

Just had a bet refused at Corals:

I went into the shop and said ‘£50 says I can tell the difference between Clover and Utterly Butterly".

Unfortunately my offer was rejected - by all accounts they don’t take spread bets.

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Fri Jul 21, 2017 3:29 pm

*, *,

kenbo
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by kenbo » Fri Jul 21, 2017 3:39 pm

Some good ones there, Hoof. :lol

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Sun Jul 23, 2017 3:20 pm

Lovely afternoon up here in Sheffield this afternoon - Just met my Korean neighbour taking his wok for a dog in the park.

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Sun Jul 23, 2017 3:31 pm

Just rang up Sea world to book some tickets - before I got through to sales girl I had to say:

"Jump through the hoop! "
"Do a flip!”

By all accounts my call may be recorded for training porpoises.

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Sun Jul 23, 2017 7:59 pm

On Saturday I went to a fancy dress party in Birmingham where the theme was “spice”.

I went as a chilli but everyone else was an astronaut.

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Mon Jul 24, 2017 3:43 pm

Europe are taking the Terror Threats very seriously ....



>

> The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

>

> The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

>

> Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

>

> The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

>

> The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

>

> Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing.." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

>

> The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

>

> Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ...

>

> The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

>

> Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Europe is getting serious about Terror threat's.

>

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Fri Aug 04, 2017 1:50 pm

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:

"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be 'wifi'.'

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FlyingBenny
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by FlyingBenny » Sat Aug 26, 2017 11:10 am

Managed to Find a Job Helping One Armed Typist's do Capital Letters.
It's Shift Work..
“Compound interest is the eighth wonder of the world. He who understands it, earns it ... he who doesn't ... pays it.” Albert Einstein. Each way trebles it is then!

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Fri Sep 29, 2017 4:06 pm

I had a curry last night; a Chicken Tarka Masala.
Its very similar to Chicken Tikka Masala, only otter.

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Mon Oct 02, 2017 8:24 am

:lol

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Mon Oct 02, 2017 2:19 pm

A beautiful 21 year old girl offered me sex today.
In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.

Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Sat Oct 07, 2017 12:25 pm

Just heard on the radio that apparently by law you have to turn your headlamps on when it rains in Sweden.

Who the F**ks going to let me know if it’s raining in Sweden?

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