The New Joke Thread

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The Fenman
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by The Fenman » Mon Aug 29, 2016 3:53 pm

Hoofhearted wrote:I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night and the wife said “You spoil those dogs”.
:clap :clap :clap
Keep doing right things, right things happen. . . Simple innit

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Sun Sep 18, 2016 6:50 am

The predictive text on my I phone seems to have a very optimistic view of how much I write messages about my aunt.

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Mon Sep 19, 2016 7:32 am

News: Police hunting a robber who stole a book about Stradivarius have warned the public not to approach him as he has a history of violins.

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Mon Sep 19, 2016 7:43 am

*, :lol

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Mon Sep 19, 2016 9:47 am

Treated my wife last night - went into town to a Mary Poppins themed restaurant.

They had supercauliflowercheese, but the Lobster was atrocious.

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Fri Sep 30, 2016 1:14 pm

My wife is very overweight and is doing exercises to try and slim down.

After jogging, she thought she was having a heart attack saying she had a horrible pain under her left breast.
Turned out, she had a sprained knee.

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Thu Oct 06, 2016 8:59 pm

Ran out of toilet roll, so did that trousers-halfway-up waddle to get some more.
Pleased to report I’m almost at Sainsbury’s

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Thu Oct 06, 2016 9:02 pm

:lol :lol

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Thu Oct 06, 2016 9:05 pm

I can’t find the pair of camouflage trousers I bought yesterday.

They’re better than I thought.

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harry_rag
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by harry_rag » Thu Oct 13, 2016 10:03 pm

Not a new joke, but a couple of variations to follow.

My wife's on a seafood diet, she sees food, she eats it.

Or, the not very funny subversion of;

My wife's on a seafood diet, she just eats lobsters and prawns and stuff like that.

Or, my favourite;

My wife's on a seafood diet, she sees food she eats it. Luckily, she's never been on a diet named after Harry Secombe.

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by kenbo » Fri Oct 14, 2016 5:17 pm

Some crackers there, Hoof. :lol :lol

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Thu Oct 20, 2016 8:09 pm

This haddock I’m frying has been “boned with care by the fishmonger”.

I suppose those night shifts at Morrisons can get quite lonely.

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FlyingBenny
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by FlyingBenny » Fri Oct 21, 2016 6:50 am

I've been teaching my dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground -

we went from Barking to Tooting in under an hour........
“Compound interest is the eighth wonder of the world. He who understands it, earns it ... he who doesn't ... pays it.” Albert Einstein. Each way trebles it is then!

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Monkey » Sun Oct 23, 2016 10:40 am

first post so i'll start with a joke

patient - doctor doctor people keep ignoring me

doctor - next please

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Sun Oct 23, 2016 11:32 am

:)

Welcome to Puntersmate Monkey. :thumbs

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Monkey » Sun Oct 23, 2016 11:41 am

got that from the dandy about 45 years ago

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Fri Feb 03, 2017 3:50 pm

An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and
sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun with the local, and says:
'Gooday, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English bar steward.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Taff: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Taff: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Taff: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Taff: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and
keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'
Taff: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Taff: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a F****ng liar !!!

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Fri Feb 03, 2017 3:58 pm

:lol :lol

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Fri Feb 03, 2017 4:16 pm

On the first day of school a teacher explains to her class that she is a Southampton fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too are Southampton fans.
Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise,
'Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?'
Because I'm not a Southampton fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked,'Well, if you are not a Southampton fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Bournemouth fan, and proud of it,' Janie replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears.
'Janie please tell us why you are a Bournemouth fan?'
"Because my mom is a Bournemouth fan, and my dad is a fan, so I'm a fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Bournemouth fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was a moron, what would you be then?'
"Then," Janie smiled, 'I'd be a Southampton fan.'

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by kenbo » Fri Feb 03, 2017 4:26 pm

Bolly. :lol :lol

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The Fenman
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by The Fenman » Fri Apr 07, 2017 5:33 am

Hello my names bob i know everyone everyone knows me he said to a landlord

Yeah cause you do mate. . . . Everyone entering the pub hello bob hello bob. . . . Right said the landlord you dont know Simon Cowell bet ya £500 . . . ok says bob rings phone half hour later simon pulls up hello bob. . . landlord passes him £500 . . . . Angry now i bet you a grand you dont know David Beckham. . . Bob spits his pint out Daves my best mate, later on in pops dave a £1000 is handed over.

I told you my names bob i know everyone everyone knows me.

Fuming now . . i bet you 5 grand you dont know the pope. . . Off they go to the vatican to see the pope. . . Landlord goes into St mIcheals sq 15 mins later out comes Bob on the balcony with his arm round the pope. . . . Landlord faints *,

When he comes round he says i give up i was standing there watching you in front of me where two Japanese tourists they pointed up to the balcony and said. .

"WHO THE FUCK IS THAT UP THERE WITH BOB !!"
Keep doing right things, right things happen. . . Simple innit

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Sat Apr 15, 2017 3:34 pm

Our Wi-Fi stopped working last night so I sat and chatted to the missus for a change.

Turns out she no longer works in Woolworths.

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Sat Apr 15, 2017 3:41 pm

My doctor told me to do something that raised my heart rate and made me sweat, so I’ve taken up shoplifting.

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Sat Apr 15, 2017 3:43 pm

:lol :lol

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The Fenman
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by The Fenman » Sat Apr 15, 2017 7:05 pm

:lol :lol :lol
Keep doing right things, right things happen. . . Simple innit

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harry_rag
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by harry_rag » Sun Apr 16, 2017 1:28 pm

My mate's grandmother thinks her new hearing aid is brilliant though he's not so sure. When she was telling him she wished she had got one years ago he said "well, hindsight is a wonderful thing" to which she replied, looking puzzled, "what, that detective who's in a wheelchair?".

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by kenbo » Sun Apr 16, 2017 3:13 pm

Your witty, sarcastic humour, is far better than your jokes?! ;-)

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harry_rag
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by harry_rag » Sun Apr 16, 2017 3:43 pm

:) Funny or not, at least it's new (tho maybe some would dispute the "joke" bit). Just popped into my head earlier and I felt obliged to share it. I've come up with worse, trust me.

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The Fenman
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by The Fenman » Tue Apr 18, 2017 4:59 pm

Trust me i believe you :)
Keep doing right things, right things happen. . . Simple innit

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harry_rag
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by harry_rag » Tue Apr 18, 2017 6:22 pm

49 hours must be a new record for a witty retort! ;-)

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