The New Joke Thread

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Col
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The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Wed May 19, 2010 10:03 pm

A couple are lying in bed, on their 20th wedding anniversary. The woman suddenly feels her husband touching her in ways that he hadn't done in years. He started at her neck, and slowly traced a line downward, past the small of her back. He caressed one shoulder, then the other, and continued down across her breasts, stopping just below her navel.

Next, he placed his hand on her left inner arm, and caressed down her side, stopping at her hip. He started over again on her right side, then brushed gently across her buttocks, and down her leg. As his hand was making its way up the inside of her left leg, he abruptly stopped and rolled over.

She had become very aroused by all of this attention, and asked in a loving voice, "That was amazing, darling. Why did you stop?"

He cleared his throat, looked at her and said


Found the remote

buddie

Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by buddie » Thu May 27, 2010 10:22 pm

after hearing ray allan had died just recently, lord charles was still unavailable for comment. :)

jim

Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by jim » Wed Jun 02, 2010 4:23 pm

The marriage
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey

alancraik
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by alancraik » Tue Jun 22, 2010 11:32 am

had to post this one

OXO are to bring out a new cube with a red St Georges Cross on it

Its going to be called a Laughing Stock

superunited

Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by superunited » Sat Jul 03, 2010 11:24 am

good one mate :lol

millwallsean

Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by millwallsean » Tue Jul 06, 2010 9:33 pm

England have been preparing for their next match .. a friendly against Iceland . .... their next matches will be against Tesco and Asda :)

jim

Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by jim » Thu Jul 08, 2010 9:22 am

Dear Raoul Moat,

While you were in prison John Terry was shagging your girlfriend.

Yours sincerely,

Wayne Bridge

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Matt
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Matt » Thu Jul 08, 2010 9:35 am

That's very good. The people in my office are wondering why I'm laughing out loud. :lol

Jonas

Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Jonas » Thu Jul 08, 2010 12:13 pm

What you miss if you dont go to church

buddie

Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by buddie » Fri Jul 30, 2010 7:17 pm

The Zookeeper says to Paddy
"The gorilla is on heat, and we need someone to have sex with her"
Would you consider shagging her for £500 ?

I will on three conditions, says Paddy

1st I'm not going to kiss her

2nd My family must never find out


3rd I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

superunited

Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by superunited » Mon Aug 02, 2010 11:04 am

lol

a very,very drunk man gets on a bus,and flops onto a seat next to a priest,his tie is stained,his face plastered with lipstick,and he has a half bottle of whisky sticking out of his coat pocket.

he opens his paper,and starts reading it,after a few minutes he turns to the priest,and says father can you tell me what causes arthritis

yes the priest replied,it's caused by loose living,being with cheap wicked woman,drinking too much alchol,and having complete contempt for your fellow man

I'll be blowed said the man,and carried on reading the paper, after 10 minutes or so the priest felt a bit guilty about what he had said,and he said to the man,sorry if I came on a bit strong there,It was mean spirited of me,how long have you had arthritis!,I havent got it said the man I was just reading the pope has it

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Tue Aug 03, 2010 4:06 pm

A Guy from Alberta

A young guy from Alberta moves to Vancouver and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Alberta ." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "one". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.

How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing."

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Tue Aug 03, 2010 4:08 pm

:lol :lol

Jockathan

Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Jockathan » Wed Aug 25, 2010 12:13 pm

I saw something amusing at BF yesterday...

Advice given to students with poor GCSE results:

Remember two things.....

1. You did your best and 2. No gherkins on my Big Mac.

(Working myself in a Supermarket I come across plenty of other University graduates (although much younger!) who cannot find a proper job or even suitable work experience/placement.)

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Wed Sep 15, 2010 9:06 pm

It seems that when the Pope lands in Edinburgh Tomorrow morning, He is going to say a prayer for Scotland.

He obviously saw the game with Liechtenstein

superunited

Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by superunited » Sat Sep 25, 2010 11:29 am

I've just heard Ikea are going to sponsor liverpool providing they play a flat pack 4

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Thu Oct 07, 2010 7:29 pm

John just bought a new rifle and he couldn't wait to try it out. He decided he would try his hand at hunting bears.
On his hunting trip, John spotted a small brown bear and shot it. A couple seconds after he shot, John felt a tap on his shoulder.
He turned around to see a big black bear standing there. The black bear said, That was my cousin you shot.
You've got two choices; either I maul you to death or we have sex.

After considering his options for a moment, John reluctantly decided to have sex with the bear.
Even though he was sore for two weeks, John soon recovered and vowed to get his revenge on the big black bear.

John headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Again he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned to find a big grizzly bear standing right next to him. The grizzly said, You've made a big mistake, John. That black bear was my cousin and now you've got two choices; either I maul you to death or we have rough sex. Once again, John agreed to the sex.

John barely survived and it took several months for him to recover. He was determined to get his revenge on the grizzly. John headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. Finally, revenge was his, but then there was yet another tap on his shoulder! John turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him with a sneer and said,

Admit it, John, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?

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billybetred
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by billybetred » Thu Oct 07, 2010 8:08 pm

:) good one Col

theborrower

Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by theborrower » Fri Oct 08, 2010 5:56 am

:lol

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Fri Oct 29, 2010 2:03 pm

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me." she told him.

"Oh no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes." the man replied.

He was in obvious agony lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments then asked.... "How does that feel?"



"It feels great he said, but my thumb still hurts."

Jimmy
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Jimmy » Fri Nov 05, 2010 5:12 am

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked,

"How long will it be before I am able to have

a normal sex life again doctor?"



The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.....

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.

It's just that no one has ever asked me that

after having their tonsils out."

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Fri Nov 05, 2010 6:09 am

:lol

Jockathan

Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Jockathan » Fri Nov 05, 2010 7:20 pm

I just got emailed this. Sent by a Toffee friend.

Extract from Tony Blair's book:

I had regularly started jogging out of Downing Street . On each run I happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension I would brace myself as I approached her for what was most certainly to follow. "Fifty quid!" she would shout from the kerb."No way, 50p!" I fired back..

This ritual between myself and the hooker continued for days. I'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty quid!" And I'd yell back "50p!"

One day however Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany me on my jog. As we jogged nearer the problematic street corner, I realised the "pro" would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what I'd really been doing on all my past outings. I realised I'd need to have a damn good explanation for my illustrious lawyer wife.

As we jogged into the turn that would take us past the corner, I became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. I tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair of us jog past. Then, from the pavement, she yelled, "See what you get for 50p!" :)

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Wed Nov 17, 2010 11:59 am

A missionary gets sent into the deepest darkest Africa, and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write, and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing that he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin.

"Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!!"

One day, the wife of one of the tribes noblemen gave birth to a white child. The village is shocked, and the chief is then sent by his people to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black women gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. I know what you've done!"

The missionary replies: "Oh, no, my good man - you are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, called an albino.
LOOK IN YONDER FIELD! You see a field of white sheep, yet amongst them is one black sheep. Nature does this on occasion."


The chief pauses a moment, and says, "Tell you what - you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the kid."

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Wed Nov 17, 2010 8:29 pm

Col-- :thumbs :thumbs :clap

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Wed Nov 17, 2010 10:55 pm

Billy

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on Billy.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Billy says, "I have a question for you Miss."

"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone while the third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Billy replied

"The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

buddie

Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by buddie » Mon Nov 22, 2010 8:10 pm

my wife has been missing for a week now. police have told me to prepare for the worst. so i have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Mon Nov 22, 2010 8:12 pm

:lol

superunited

Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by superunited » Tue Nov 23, 2010 3:23 pm

:) :) :)

Jonas

Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Jonas » Wed Nov 24, 2010 2:57 am

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an officious turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a ####head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

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