The New Joke Thread

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dule_rsfc
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by dule_rsfc » Sun Jan 06, 2019 1:44 pm

(Stolen from Facebook)

"Hi honey, this is Daddy... Is your Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's up stairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

Brief pause. Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."

"Uh, OK then...." Daddy says, "...here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well Mommy got all scared, jumped out of the bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug and fell downstairs and she's not moving anymore."

"I'm sorry you had to see that, honey. What about 'Uncle Frank'?"

"He jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water for winter, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either."

Long pause.

Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Is this 597-7039?".....

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Sun Jan 06, 2019 2:54 pm

:lol

jimb
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by jimb » Fri Feb 01, 2019 12:42 pm

I got mugged by six dwarves last night.

Not happy
Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Sun Apr 07, 2019 4:28 pm

Just come back in from the Red Lion - almost Shit myself

I was stood at the bar and this Pakistani guy shouts out Allah Allah, Allah , Allah ....
Allah have a bag of cheese n Onion Crips

Trust me to find a stuttering Pakistani *,

Hoofhearted
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Sun Apr 07, 2019 4:30 pm

I gave a piece of my mind to a conjoined twin earlier, but he didn’t listen.

It went in one ear and out his brother.

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Mon May 20, 2019 6:59 pm

Have you noticed how lots of F1 drivers are named after Scottish towns,Stirling Moss,Lewis Hamilton,Eddie Irvine and Ayr Town Centre

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Mon May 20, 2019 7:04 pm

;x; ;x;

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Tue Jun 11, 2019 8:40 pm

A Biker was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby homeless man who asked him for money to eat.

The man took out his wallet, took a 20 pound note out and asked, " If I give you that money, will you buy beer with it instead of eating?"

" No, I had to stop drinking years ago," replied the homeless man.

"Will you spend this money for motorbike parts instead of eating?" asked the man.

"Are you crazy!" asked the homeless man " I haven't had a motorbike for years!"

"Well" says the biker, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'll take you home for a shower and a great meal prepared by my wife."

The homeless man was stunned. "Your wife is going to be pissed off at you if you bring me home" The Biker Answers.......

"It's okay. The important thing is that she sees what a man looks like after he stops drinking and riding his bike."

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Hoofhearted » Thu Jun 27, 2019 3:53 pm

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark ".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the guv'... "

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether............
.
.


"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Thu Jun 27, 2019 6:46 pm

*,

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Thu Sep 05, 2019 2:38 pm

Four nuns die and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.

The first nun says “St Peter, I once saw a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed.”

The second nun says “St Peter, I once touched a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed.”

St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. “What is going on?” he asks the fourth nun.

“I’m trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in the font”.

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by jimb » Sun Sep 15, 2019 1:20 pm

I've just met a chinese drug addict. He said "Have you seen my cocaine?"

I said "not since he starred in zulu!"
Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Sun Sep 15, 2019 2:25 pm

*, :)

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by jimb » Thu Oct 03, 2019 8:16 pm

As I get older and I remember all the people Ive lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasnt for me.
Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Thu Oct 03, 2019 9:07 pm

:lol

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Fri Nov 01, 2019 10:22 am

Caeser announces to his fellow Romans.
"Tomorrow, I will gather my legions and invade France. I will kill any Frenchman that gets in my way"
Brutus says to a centurion " he talks a good war, but you watch, he won't do it"
The following day Caeser rounds up his armies and sets off for France. Six months later, he's back.
"My beloved Romans I am pleased to announce that we have conquered France and in the process we have slain 50,000 Gauls."
" I can't believe it" says Brutus to the centurion. " I'm going to have to go and see for myself"
Brutus hops onto a galley and sets sail for France. Two weeks later, he's back Just as Caeser is starting another of his speeches.
"My fellow countrymen..." Begins Caeser.
"You lying git" shouts Brutus
"I beg your pardon?" Says Caeser
" You said had conquered France and slain 50,000 Gauls, but in actual fact, you have only slain 25,000". Exclaimed Brutus.
"Ah, but you forget..." Says Caeser " In Europe, away Gauls count double !"

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Fri Nov 01, 2019 10:49 am

*, :) :)

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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by jimb » Wed Nov 06, 2019 9:31 pm

An AA Van passed me earlier and I noticed the driver was sobbing uncontrollably.

I thought ' looks like he's heading for a breakdown'.
Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.

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harry_rag
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by harry_rag » Thu Nov 07, 2019 5:34 pm

How's this for a redefinition of the word "irony" - an email from 365 headed "let's talk about safer gambling"! 8(:

I appreciate they'll be sending it to all customers but really; even if they looked at my average stakes without regard to the extent to which they limit me it would be clear I'm not exactly on tilt! :)

Not hilarious, I accept, but decided it belonged in the joke thread more than the bookmakers one.

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peanut
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by peanut » Thu Nov 07, 2019 5:51 pm

:lol agreed Harry

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Thu Nov 07, 2019 6:26 pm

I know harry :thumbs
The more I read it, the more annoyed I got.

I even looked for the unsubscribe button, there wasn't one.

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nick
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by nick » Fri Nov 08, 2019 10:28 am

Just had the same pop up with Hills, Harry. Then they proceeded to offer me £1.50 on a winning distances at Hexham market *, .

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Fri Nov 08, 2019 6:04 pm

The Pope has just finished a visit to Manchester and has an hour and half to get to London to get his flight home.He tells his chauffeur to put his foot down as he can't miss his flight.The driver says he can't go over the speed limit as he has nine point already on his licence,so the Pope says,swap places and I'll drive,and if the police stop the car they will see it's me driving and let us off.So they swap places and the Pope is going at 140 miles an hour down the motorway and after twenty miles a police bike pulls him over.The Pope says to the policeman,you can see who I am so can you ring your superiors and ask if we can be let off the speeding charge.The officer rings his sarge and says he has stopped someone very important for speeding,could he let him off.The sarge asks ,well how important is this person?Is he more important than the chief of police of London?Yes,replies the officer.Well is he more important than the Mayor of London?Yes,replies the officer.What about the prime minister?Yes I believe so says the officer.What about the queen?asks the sarge.I think so,says the officer.Just how important is this person?asks the sarge.Well put it this way,he's that important,he has the Pope as his chauffeur

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Fri Nov 08, 2019 6:07 pm

:lol :lol :lol

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Mon Nov 11, 2019 10:01 pm

fter 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came to see a therapist. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Mon Feb 03, 2020 7:50 pm

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in
Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they
could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good
value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair
accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

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Col
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by Col » Mon Feb 03, 2020 8:47 pm

:lol :lol :lol

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Fri Feb 21, 2020 9:25 am

Following the Government's ruling to deny unskilled foreigner's a work permit, West Ham have announced that they have just 2 players available for their trip to Liverpool on Monday evening.....

Edited to say that I am hardly in a position to sneer ! However, at least our unskilled workers are British !

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Wed Feb 26, 2020 3:01 pm

Paddy is on who wants to be a millionaire,he has all his lifelines left.The question for a million pounds is,who was the great train robber who fled to Brazil,a.Ronnie Wood b.Ron Greenwood c.Ronnie Biggs or d.Ronnie Scott.Ill take the money Chris,he says.But at least use all your lifelines Paddy,its for a million pounds says Chris.I don't need to use them as I know the answer Chris,he says,but I'm not a fecking grass

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bollybear
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post by bollybear » Fri Mar 06, 2020 11:42 am

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast . He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak: "My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra." "My daughter Gráinne, you take the apartments over in Malone Road." "My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre." "Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They’d no idea the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..
"Property?”, his wife replies. “The fuckin eejit had a window cleaning round."

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